


Again.

by chanshua



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Reincarnation, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-08-13 23:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20182498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanshua/pseuds/chanshua
Summary: Joshua lives over and over again for the sun's warmth.





	Again.

**Author's Note:**

> i miss chanshua and i recently finished NGE anime & EoE so slight influence.
> 
> sort of, lol so beware pls

Joshua doesn't understand why he started to experience living over and over again. It's a strange feeling, something indescribable at first. Closing his eyes for the last time with a fear of death so primal and human but he couldn't express it to the others surrounding him. It would've ruined them forever to see their beloved friend suffering alone as he died. Joshua didn't know he would be selfless to the very end but it was a habit at that point. The last face he saw in that life is Chan with the most distraught expression as he sobbed over him with a quiet voice. Joshua reached up to caress Chan's cheek as lovingly as possible.

("Channie, smile for me, please.")

A thumb gently wiped at his wet cheek. Joshua was patient, waiting for him like always.

("I—I...")

A hiccup. Deep breaths in, and out, then a hand reaches up to hold his. Soft and warm. Joshua found himself waiting with bated breath.

("I'm happy we met. Thank you for everything.")

The most beautiful smile graced Chan's face. Sincerity was something Chan was well versed in. A heart so kind and accepting yet steadfast and firm against the winds of cruelty. People often referred to Joshua as kind, an angel willing to love. As Joshua peered into misty eyes, there was someone worthy of such a heavy position.

He squeezed Chan's hand. Joshua returned with his own smile and tears. A weak croak of gratitude is given to the man cradling his hand, Chan's thighs a pillow for Joshua's head. The others are hovering nearby; some holding onto his unoccupied arm, some brushing his hair out of the way, some standing near with tears streaming on their faces. Everything grows colder and colder. It's harder to keep his eyelids open. Joshua feels it. 

Dying is terrifying.

Joshua wakes up. The world is different. A bed with warm sheets with a color blue deep as navy. He's in a small room, the walls and floor is made of chiseled stone. Books litter the floor and a strange object is lying on top of the desk next to the (his?) bed. It reminds him of a guitar. A window above the desk lets in bright sunlight and Joshua watches floating particles dance in the light. With heavy lethargy, Joshua brings himself to sit up after many long minutes.

Joshua curiously pats his face. There's a faint sensation of wetness lingering on his face and hand. His eyes feel sore. He remembers Chan and tries to not cry again.

Despite everything that's happening, there's a strange sense of understanding. A distant feeling but it colors the world in a tint that only he can sense and perceive. Joshua doesn't know yet knows. It's too hard for him to fully comprehend so he compartmentalizes it for later, hopefully. After gaining enough strength, he shuffles over to the wooden door with carved ornate insignias bearing vegetation and crosses. He hopes to find answers.

The building Joshua found himself at is a religious monastery surrounded by nothing but cobbled pathways and rural countrysides. Far off into the distance, houses occasionally litter the horizon. There's a maintained vineyard behind the old monastery, rows of grapes lined up like stripes on a grassy field. There are many kids of various ages present on the grounds, lively chatter echo through the dormitory wing and out to to the courtyard. Joshua just knows most of them aren't related by blood. They're either orphans or students or perhaps both. Joshua managed to catch a glimpse of himself against reflective glass and shock paints his face. He's young, younger than he used to be. The gray and blue themed uniform he dons is simple yet elegant. He rubs the fabric of his shorts between a finger and thumb, it's a nice texture.

It's a strange comfort to see how religion is present in this... life. He was a religious man before but he doesn't know how to feel about it now. Stained glass windows show figures and tell stories Joshua is unfamiliar with, it fills him with a sense of both awe and fear. Joshua reaches out and runs his hand against the smooth concrete walls covered with religious imagery and other decorations. He traces the etched lines thoughtfully. He's engrossed enough that he doesn't hear footsteps coming down the empty hallway he's in. A voice calls out and Joshua jerks his attention away.

He turns to look and the world pauses.

There's another constant that rips Joshua's attention from everywhere to a single focal point. A point in time. One whole person.

A boy so familiar yet so achingly different. The feeling of understanding roars to life in his blood and it sings. It sings a name, a face, a body, a soul to him. A tune Joshua wants to listen to for its harmonious quality.

Younger than him as well and donning the same but different version of uniform. A smile graces his pink lips.

"Joshua!"

The boy runs up to him and wraps him into a hug with tiny arms. The other automatically returns it, eyes wide and barely shaking hands.

"I've been looking for you! I wanna show you what I gathered from the gardens today!" The sweet boy says as he barely leans back from him. Joshua struggles to swallow past the cotton balls lodged in his throat and nods instead. He cheers and grabs Joshua hand to start dragging him. Joshua falls into step, hoping that their hands don't separate along the way.

"I can make you some elixirs with the plants I gathered," The younger boy suggests. Joshua nods. He smiles.

(Their hands haven't separated for the entire walk and showcase of garden vegetation. It's so warm out but Joshua doesn't care.)

Joshua hesitates. He forces past the cotton balls.

"Thank you... Chan." He squeezes his hand.

Chan nods excitedly like a baby animal. Joshua wants to peck him on the cheek so he does. The regret is instant.

Chan squeaks in surprise as he presses his cheek with his other hand. Seconds later, Chan giggles and returns the favor.

It's cruel. Joshua was close to fully embracing this life as is before everything was ruined. 

Smoke fills every hollow nook and cranny. Screams echo in the halls as there's footsteps running everywhere. Joshua is pulling along Chan with adrenaline and anxiety coiling hot as the flames that lick at their heels. It's instinct that guides him through and around various dead ends and blood splattered obstacles. Joshua wants to shield Chan's eyes from the horror. They run until Joshua brings them to one of the sacred underground chambers, hidden away from unauthorized members. The chamber door is huge. These solid doors haven't been used in centuries and the duo don't have a choice. Joshua slams his weight against the door over and over again until his shoulder burns from ache and the doors finally open wide enough. 

"Chan, here!" Joshua says before roughly grabbing the boy and pushing him through the door. Chan falters from surprise before reorienting himself again. He slips through the crack when Joshua shoves the door with enough strength. "Chan, listen to me," a second of panting, "There's, there's an escape you can use. It's inside the tomb-"

"What? what, what, why are you saying that?"

"It's inside the tomb. Climb inside that coffin there, cover the coffin with the lid again and recite the _Ethereal Hymn_ that Lady Selene taught you with the prayer charm. You'll be somewhere safe."

"Stop saying that! You're coming with me!" Chan gasps out from the other side of the door. Joshua grits his teeth. Desperation doesn't suit Chan.

There's a crowd of footsteps running towards their direction. They're here.

"They're here? Joshua, please come through! Hurry up!" A hand reaches out to grab Joshua's arm. Joshua tries to squeeze through as Chan helps.

An arrow gets shot straight into his abdomen. Joshua buckles over in pain, escape forgotten for the sudden wound. The door slams back onto Chan's arm. 

"**Joshua!**" Chan screams, ignoring his own hurt arm. Joshua can see the intruders' faces clearly now from his hunched over position.

"Go without me! Go!"

"Joshua—please! you need to escape with me—" Chan chokes up at the end. Joshua looks up blearily at the trembling outstretched hand then to the desperate eyes staring back at him.

With his bloodied hand, Joshua gently holds Chan's. "Live on for me," Joshua smiles at him. He gathers up his strength once more and pushes Chan further into the room. The door shuts with a finality.

Joshua turns back around. He slumps against the door, hands cradling his abdomen and looks up to the glint of swinging metal.

A cold sweat clings to Joshua's skin. He touches where the wound used to be with a shaky sigh.

He's alive.

He's alive, again.

Joshua swallows the burning in his throat.

Walls so white and pristine. His reflections are visible without a speck to be seen. Joshua explores the long hallways of the laboratory, he's one of the department heads in this organization he found himself in. The lab coat he wears is surprisingly comfortable. Sometimes there's a flood of employees bowing their heads to him in respect. Sometimes there's only him and the ceiling lights. 

Joshua stands off to the side as the commander of the entire section, Seungcheol, watches on from their observatory perch. Seungcheol's right hand man stands closer compared to Joshua.Tall window panes that look down at a room. The doors open and a group of uniforms walk in with protective armor covering them. A file of youths come following out into the center of the room and Joshua's skin prickles with goosebumps.

A ever familiar presence among the youths.

His arms involuntarily twitch from their clasp behind his back.

Seungcheol returns his gaze back to the line.

Joshua keeps one hand on the steering wheel and the other over Chan's being. The blood keeps soaking his arm but they're gone. Chan holds onto Joshua's arm with his own bloodied hands, trying to not worsen his injuries.

"You're going to be okay. Stay awake, we'll get you treated real soon."

Chan grasps Joshua's fingers and intertwines them, "Okay." He still feels warm.

"Okay," Joshua breathes out.

Joshua waits.

He waits with the restraints tied around him and the empty, dark room as a companion. He barely moves from his hunched over position. He counts the specks of dirt on the floor near his bare feet. He counts Chan's moles in the back of his mind. The tiny map of moles that Joshua could write stories for, could name a constellation for. A supposed bio-weapon who is scared of puppies and kitties. Joshua replays the memories like a favorite movie that never gets old. Warm colors paired with the sound of laughter. The touch of skin marred with scars but still soft.

Joshua barely reacts to the entrance opening. He looks through the curtain of hair at Seungcheol, his expression blank and cold as ever. Joshua He seen Seungcheol's genuine smiles before. He had those charismatic masks but the truthful ones were something to behold. A rare sighting but never in the case of Chan for they were all for him. Joshua's hands flexes resulting in audible popping noises.

A smile creeps on his worn out lips. "There will be nothing to say," Joshua says. After all, a bio-weapon should always be kept secret.

Seungcheol's expression twitches. The smile on Joshua's face grows. There it is.

He doesn't mind dying by the commander's hands for Chan's sake.

The walls are white again. Joshua's eyes burn.

Joshua has to watch Chan die slowly before his eyes. He's terminally sick and Joshua can't do anything about it. The projected timeline is around a month. Joshua has only a month or so to be with Chan. He has never seen Chan so deathly ill before. Joshua holds Chan's hand with shaky breaths. He tells him about the plans he has in mind for the both of them. How they're gonna spend Chan's last moments. Chan leans forward to hug Joshua, burying his face onto his shoulder. It's hard not to notice the trembling.

The heart monitor flat lines and Chan stops breathing. There's a flurry of movement and everything melts into white.

Joshua breathes in and out deeply, feeling the cold air enter his lungs. He lets out a breath to watch the visible clouds from his mouth. Standing there quietly with nothing but the wind as a companion. Joshua takes off his shoes and places them off to the side in a neat manner. He climbs over the guardrail and breathes out. 

Joshua misses Chan.

These lives Joshua have been forced into starts to add up. Faces, bodies, settings, feelings. They all vary but there's a constant. 

Chan, Chan, Chan.

Joshua develops theories on why he was thrown into this but he doesn't know. The only thing Joshua knows is that he would do anything for Chan, to grant him a happiness he deserves. However, it doesn't seem like he's working hard enough for Chan's sake during any life but he won't stop.

("Shua, Am I your love?"

Joshua accidentally drags his pen across his entire paper and Chan starts to retract his statement. He sets down the pen as Chan's nervous rambling goes on, ever his nervous tic. He never thought about that even across multiple lifetimes. Too preoccupied with protecting Chan from anything and everything. However, the answer is obvious. It was never put into words but it's tangible.

Joshua leans forward slowly to kiss Chan. After a moment, he pulls back and presses their foreheads together.

"Yes, my love.")

He hesitates saying I love you ever since then. Joshua might be the same but Chan is different, undeniably different. He always waits for Chan to say it first. Sometimes it doesn't happen and that's fine by Joshua. The love he feels for Chan and the time he can spend with him makes up for it.

They're classmates. Joshua, a senior and Chan, a beloved underclassmen. Joshua tutors the younger boy, either at school or at one of their houses. They live in the same neighborhood and Joshua is thankful for this peaceful life. As Chan's bent over working on his classwork, Joshua fondly watches him. The way the sunlight filters in through the windows, it makes Chan shine. The younger boy looks up with sparkling eyes.

"I finished the sheet without your help!" Chan says while holding his paper up with a proud smile. Joshua hums under his breath, scanning Chan's face. Something must've possessed him because suddenly, Joshua finds himself kissing Chan. He pulls away in surprise, trying not to grimace at Chan's wide eyes. 

"I'm—I'm so sorry, Chan. I didn't mean to do that, um. We're done for today," Joshua mumbles quickly. He goes to swipe off all his things from Chan's desk only for a hand to grab his forearm.

Chan almost shouts, "No!" The already present blush on his cheeks grows stronger after his outburst.

"What? I should've not done that, I know. I'm so sorry," Joshua's guilt is genuine. He can't bear the idea of Chan hating him after doing something stupid, he'll never forgive himself.

Chan purses his lips and looks away. "You did but uh, I'm, I forgive you. Please... don't leave me."

"Really?" Joshua relaxes slightly.

"Please."

(They end up kissing in the empty classroom, work long forgotten. They almost got caught by somebody in the halls but they pull away fast enough. After the danger passes, Chan glances at Joshua and starts laughing. Joshua loves him dearly.)

Joshua ends up getting them into a car crash and he can't stop the sobs escaping from himself as he holds Chan's broken body. 

The steadfast faith Chan has for him in every life terrifies him. No matter if Chan immediately latches on or the slow but eventual build up, it's always there. Joshua doesn't miss the way Chan holds unwavering loyalty for him almost religiously. Joshua doesn't believe that Chan remembers their lives together. There's nothing that points to that conclusion and he doesn't know if he should be happy or not. 

(They meet as classmates again but they learn in the art of battle. There's an impending sense of doom that lingers in every corner but it doesn't surprise him. Only to be expected when the world is establishing institutions for the art of war. They steal kisses underneath the moon. There's nothing wrong for them to appear in love but Joshua knows, there will be a war and they will be at the opposite ends.

When the continental war breaks out, it doesn't hurt any less. He considers simply running with Chan to places faraway but there's no chance. They're locked in their fates in this life.

They meet each other on the battlefield. Joshua refuses to die by anyone's hands except Chan's so he slaughters the grunts surrounding him. They reach each other and fight with their lives on the line.

Joshua is on his knees, cradling Chan. Bloodied weapons lying besides them, forgotten among the corpses. This ending hurts more than any injury.)

Joshua finds everything in Chan. His link to sanity and happiness.

(In one life, he asks Chan to kill him for his sake. The look on his face breaks Joshua's heart so he doesn't ask again.)

There were moments of Joshua coming close to giving up but as he held onto Chan's hand.

("I'm happy we met.")

Joshua becomes frightened of how close he was and powers through. Chan is his only lifesaver, his only god he prays to.

Joshua is all too happy to destroy the world for Chan but it's too selfish. Doomed worlds may be a lost cause to him but for Chan, there's always a hope to be found. A kind soul who is determined to work and help others. He cherishes the warmth that radiates from Chan's whole being like a moth to a flame. 

There's a time where Chan knew. He didn't know like Joshua but there was something. The glint in his eyes as Joshua introduced himself to Chan. The way he unabashedly hugged Joshua.

"Joshua."

Joshua startled.

"Thank you for everything."

The tears came instantaneously. Circles were rubbed onto his back while Joshua ended up sobbing into Chan's shoulder.

Fate likes comedy. It wasn't even a whole day before the cycle ended with their deaths. The next lifetime, Joshua found himself with an ignorant Chan. It was the closest moment of betrayal Joshua has ever felt for Chan.

Moonlight streamed inside the room. Joshua is watching Chan, fingers brushing through his hair. He leaned down to press a soft kiss on his forehead.

"I really was born to meet you, huh..." Joshua murmured against his skin. "I'm happy I met you, Chan."

There has only been failures so far. It hasn't happened yet but there will be a lifetime they can be together in peace.

A life they can share together, a genuine happiness for Chan.

Joshua won't give up on this wish ever.

**Author's Note:**

> i have not written a fanfic in a many of time so pls excuse any foolishness here


End file.
